When someone says/writes something you do not like or makes you upset, how do you respond? Look at Graham's Hierarchy of Disagreement. At what level of the triangle do you resort to. Lower levels are reactive, impulsive, defensive and offensive. Higher levels are fair, well thought out and reasoned responses. Here is a detailed explanation of each level.
When arguing/disagreeing, do you say/write/think:
- "You're so stupid"? (This is the lowest level: Name Calling.)
- "You are unspiritual, proud, immature and jealous"? (Ad hominem [which means "Against the man"].)
- "I don't like the critical way you write/speak"? (Responding to Tone.)
- "I disagree"? (Contradiction.)
Such lower level responses are dismissive, rude and offensive, because you refuse to hear what the other person is actually saying or writing. It remains at an emotional level. It never promotes a true and genuine dialogue.
Move up the ladder and see if you can improve the way you respond to disagreements. This is not easy for many people because it requires a lot of work and much humility and the willingness to acknowledge that you may be wrong, or that your opponent is right. But when you do you and others you disagree with will be able to have an adult mature dialogue, and be more open to others not like you.
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