Abraham Lincoln's very unhappy marriage

Some excerpts from The Slow Fires of Misery:

• Lincoln’s marriage was a mess, and accepting the pain brought deep strength in the long run.
• It was a pain-filled marriage. The familiar lines in his face and the somber countenance reveal more than the stress of civil war. But the two stayed married. They kept at least that part of their vows.
• Historically, the misery of painful emotions was not a sanction of divorce in most cultures. Marriage durability—with or without emotional pain—was valued above emotional tranquility, for the sake of the children and the stability of society.
• Lincoln brought debilities into his marriage to Mary Todd. He was emotionally withdrawn and prized reason over passion. She said that he “was not a demonstrative man … When he felt most deeply, he expressed the least.” He was absent, emotionally or physically, most of the time.
• Mary often flew into rages. “She pushed Lincoln relentlessly to seek high public office; she complained endlessly about poverty; she overran her budget shamelessly, both in Springfield and in the White House; she abused servants as if they were slaves (and ragged on Lincoln when he tried to pay them extra on the side); she assaulted him on more than one occasion (with firewood, with potatoes); she probably once chased him with a knife through their backyard in Springfield; and she treated his casual contacts with attractive females as a direct threat, while herself flirting constantly and dressing to kill.
• How was it that Lincoln, when president, could work so effectively with the rampant egos who filled his administration? “The long years of dealing with his tempestuous wife helped prepare Lincoln for handling the difficult people he encountered as president.” In other words, a whole nation benefited from his embracing the pain.
• America can be glad that Abraham Lincoln did not run from the fires of misery in his marriage. There were resources for healing he did not know. But when they fail, embracing the fire is better than escape.

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